Witchy Woman

Say you've got ovarian cysts. Let's assume that you can afford health care in the first place. Go to the doctor and they just want to give you pain killers, but before they can do that they want to make sure that you do, in fact, have agonizingly painful cysts. This involves an ultrasound technician shoving something cold and slimy up your vagina while you're trying not to think about tentacle rape, to make sure that it's not "all in your head" or scamming for drugs. If you happen to have a high pain tolerance, you certainly couldn't have any cysts, even if you have had them before, because most women are curled into the fetal position on the floor and puking their guts out. It's "all in your head" or something minor like cramps because women are just delicate little flowers who can't handle a little pain.

Let's say you take the drugs they've prescribed, usually Vicodin, and you're also looking for a job. And you have to take a UA, guess what shows up on it? If you try to explain why you took them, then you look like a little weakling and/or addict who's scamming the system. Either way, you're screwed. Now you're still unemployed, in debt for at least $1,500, and in blinding pain. Isn't America great?

Instead of paying a ridiculous amount of money for drugs, which you could have instead bought cheaper on the street if you were willing to gamble that they weren't laced with something, you could go to a certified herbalist. She will hook you up with herbal remedies which will actually treat the problem instead of the symptom, tell you how to avoid them in the future, and all for under $20. It won't show up on drug tests, and just don't mention the herbs while doing job interviews otherwise they'll think you're a pothead. The only downside is that if you mention how you took care of the cysts, most people will think you're a crazy, organic hippy for not going to the doctor.

And you know what? I'm ok with that as long as the fucking things go away.