Witchy Woman

Asterisks indicate I have done this/it applies to me.

you overhear the 10-year-old at the next picnic table quoting Macbeth... accurately.

you've ever been cooking and run out of galingale.

you spent more money this year on your period housing than your mundane housing.

there's an anvil in your bedroom.

your aerobics routine includes galliards

your university diploma is "tucked away somewhere" but your AoA is framed and on display on the most prominent wallspace in the house.

you yell "Huzzah" at mundane events instead of cheering "normally".*

a sideless surcoat is the sexiest thing in your closet.

you can eat equally well with a dagger or a fork. *

after a party you ask yourself: "Hm. Now where are my clothes?" and you're stone sober and fully dressed. *

the axe you're using to chop wood is one you made yourself.

your future husband's wedding garb costs more than yours, and has more trim.

the books-on-tape in your car include: Cooking for 500 or more, Autocratting Pennsic, and Beginning Welsh.

buying black walnuts and ferrous sulfate from a health food store means a new "dye" not a new "diet". *

you practice birth control religiously from All Saint's Day to Candlemas so that you won't be too pregnant to go to Pennsic.

the decorating scheme of your home is "bookcase eclectic". *

you've brushed your teeth with beer, because it was easier to find than clean water.

after viewing this list, your non-scadian significant other chuckles for days, while you mutter to yourself, "I don't see what's so funny about that."

you have period garments for a black-tie event, but no mundane ones. *

you heard two stories this evening that started "No sh*t, there I was..." *

the words "couldst", "wouldst", and "shouldst" come more easily to your tongue than "chicken".*

you consider wearing 3 different tartans at once to be high fashion.

everyone at your graduation wants to know where you learned to bow.

In your kitchen a Rondel, a ballocks dagger and a stilleto are close to hand, but a breadknife is nowhere to be found.

someone has threatened to get "Prehistoric on your ass."

you have two different .signature files, which have no words in common except the email address.

someone asks you where you got your chainmail hauberk, and you reply, "In 200 foot rolls at Home Depot."

you know every line in Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail by heart. *

you're a burly guy who looks like a Hell's Angel, but you do embroidery in public.

at a formal dinner party, you politely grab your sleeve to keep it from dropping in the food, only to realize you're wearing a suit. *

during a conversation, you avoid using the other person's name, not because you don't know it, but because you can't pronounce it. *

you've decorated a cake in celtic knotwork.

you return to work after a weekend event, only to find you left all your money in your belt pouch.

you sometimes wear your jackets closed only by the top button and without putting your arms through the sleeves.

you're watching what's been billed as the most romantic scene in any movie ever, and all you can think is: What kind of armor is he wearing? *

you can and do curse in Gaelic, but you aren't Scottish.*

your teddy bear has better garb than you do.

your garb closet is bigger than your clothes closet and the clothes are in better condition.

you watch the old replay of the Crowning of the English Queen Elizabeth II and you recognize peoples' ranks by the Coronets they are wearing.

while watching the crowning of Queen Elizabeth II, you remark to your lady, "We could use that stuff at our Coronation".

you visit a period castle, notice the draperies and bedspreads, and think of what lovely clothing they would make.

you visit a period castle, museum, historical site, etc. and you can spot the mistakes in the tour guide's lecture.

you get a question about OOP programming techniques on a Comp Sci exam and think: "ALL programming is Out Of Period".

[you're male and] your girlfriend, not you, is the bored one being dragged from fabric/clothing store to fabric/clothing store.

[you're male and] you have to worry about a run in your stocking when you kneel to propose to your fiance.

you get a Christmas card in the mail and you look at the shepherds and background figures with a magnifying glass to see the costuming details.

you sneer at "the Burger King" saying, "He's wearing a ducal coronet".

you hide the really awful costume references in the stacks at the library, so future costumers won't be led astray. Or, you write criticisms in the margins of said awful costume references.

you reality check wargames and role-playing games by saying "That's wrong! I know that Duke Swaetsox can do X... (where X = some combat-related feat), I've seen people do that in the SCA!"

you watch Henry V (or the Zefferelli Romeo and Juliet) over, and over, and over again - for the costumes/fighting scenes.

your immediate family consists of only two rather small, thin people, but you justify your purchase of a full-sized van/pickup truck saying, "We'll need the extra space for events!"

your reaction when you see some sort of handicraft is "I can make that" or "I can buy that from Mistress Seamchecker for half that!" *

you're annoyed because the armor at the art museum isn't displayed so that you can get a good photograph of the back/insides. *

you're in Europe and you pass up famous OOP sites to see tiny little places that might have related to your persona.

when you make a new recipe you take out the potatoes, tomatoes and peppers, because they're OOP for Europe.

you choose your language courses in college based on what your persona would have spoken. (...Man! I'm really bummed out that they aren't teaching Anglo-Saxon this semester...)

your reference section on your field of interest is better than the equivalent section in the local library.

you've been asked by a museum curator what your opinion is regarding the item at hand.

you slip and begin a letter, "Good Milord..."

you slip and address a coworker as Milord or Milady.

you slip and date a letter, "The Tuesday before Michealmas, A.S. XXVII" (or whatever).

you're annoyed because your new printer didn't come with Luxhaeiul miniscule or Batarde as one of the standard fonts.

people don't assume that you're going in for surgery when you say, "This weekend, I'm going to get my knees fixed".

your idea of a sack lunch is mince-meat pie, cold mulled cider and wafers left over from the feast the week-end before.

your hobby takes more of your time than your job. *

you start to wear your hair the way your persona might have worn his/hers. (...Smith, it's not so much the waist length beard, but do you really have to braid it?...) *

you sign a check, using calligraphy.

you name your pets after obscure historical figures.

you name your children after obscure historical figures.

you can give blazons for your pets.

people think you're in a commune because you're always talking about your "household".

people think you have a roommate because your answering machine says "Neither Fred or Froddi are in right now..."

people assume that you're an exchange student/recent immigrant because they hear people calling you by the most outlandish names.

you have to remind yourself not to call that tourist in the checkered golf pants "Sir" just because he's wearing a white belt.

you see a college diploma on a friend's wall and the first thing you ask is "Who did the calligraphy?"

you read a book that involves the plague and can diagnose which of the two or three types of plague it is from the symptoms.

you go to endorse your paycheck at the local ATM, and the only pen you have is a dip style pen for calligraphy... and you have the ink!

you receive telephone calls at work for your SCA name... and your coworkers know who it's for!

someone calls your company and asks, "Could I speak with the King please?" and the operator says, "Just a minute and I'll connect you to his Majesty".

you take a college course in medieval history, and find out you already own the textbooks.

you cry "Lay On!" when serving at raquetball. {or tennis, or...}

while hunting for a travel route you spend a half-hour hunting for "Ben Dunfirth" in your atlas, and then realize you need the mundane name for the city.

you describe your company's logo to the printer's shop using heraldic terms.

instead of having dreams about being out in public with no clothes on, you have dreams about being at an event in mundane clothing.

your bank will cash checks for your persona.

you have a credit card in the name of your persona.

you go running up the stairs at work and reach down to hold the hem of your underdress up so as not to trip over it... and you're wearing pants. *

you dress your decorative lawn elves/animals in period garb matching your own.

your friend's idea of camping involves a backpack and yours involves a U-haul.

you can cook an egg on a rock, but not toast in a toaster.

you can make a loaf of bread faster than you can program a bread machine.

you make all your own bread and you don't own a bread pan. *

your adventurous non-SCA friends wangle invitations for Sunday supper so they can sample the feast leftovers.

you talk your bracemaker into covering the plastic parts with leather and using buckles instead of velcro... and you dye them to match your arms.

your bedroom contains more SCA-craft equipment than furniture. *

your family is Russian, but you speak only English and Gaelic.

your 8-year-old daughter gets a poseable Barbie for her birthday and you immediately see if she can assume all of the heraldic positions with an eye toward a future heraldry class.

your wife asks you "Do you want me to buy you some black tights for the wedding we're going to this weekend?" and you say YES.

you and your partner are all set to set up your new law firm, but after consideration, you both agree "Better if we wait until after Pennsic".

you know which kingdom an event site is in, but not which state. *

your friend invites you to a "dress nice" party, and you realize that your best looking clothes are your court garb.

your friend tells you her new boyfriend works in a fabric store and your first thought is "How cool!"

the only time you can see your living room floor is when your van is packed for an event.

your bible study is going over the Armor of God... and they ask you to bring examples.

you see a mother tenderly picking a splinter out of her son's hand with a shortsword.

you pull out a wax tablet to write down someone's email address at an event.

you buy 15 bicycle cups on sale (for codpieces) but are confused when the guy asks if you need a helmet. (You don't fight)

you raid Burger King's supply of paper crowns for your ADULT friends. *

you buy a bottle of booze just for the neat pouch. *

you've bought groceries based on the period-ness of the bottle they came in. ("That vinegar bottle would look great filled with mead...")

you go to a Catholic mass with your in-laws, and you spend the whole time admiring the garb on the priest and in the stained glass windows.

you have to find something else to wear on Halloween, because your garb just doesn't feel like a costume anymore. *

your coworkers seem a little concerned that you're planning a "period" party, and you're male.

you reflexively begin dancing a bransle when you hear the musicians start up at the entrance to your Ren Faire.

"dining room large enough for a dozen scribes and all their equipment" or "yard big enough to hold a fighter practice" appears on the must-have list for your new house.

you can't decide whether to wear the celtic garb or the Italian garb for a costume to your company's costume ball.

you go to the hardware store and ask for a drawknife for shaving rattan, only to have them explain that no one makes them anymore.

your "best china" consists of wooden feast gear and drinking horns.

the worst loss of your flooded basement is not the washer or the furnace, but the scrolls you were framing...

you plan your car-trip vacations around events happening in other kingdoms, and even pack accordingly.

your mom gives you a book about chivalry for your birthday, inscribed with the words "chivalry will never die as long as there are hearts as true as yours"

you see a road-killed kangaroo and wonder if you could use its pelt for garb... and you have a knife in your truck for situations like this... only to pause wondering if you can get away with a kangaroo fur cape, or is it OOP?

[you're male and] you see an attractive woman in a skin-tight black velvet dress, and your primary thought is "Wow!! What I wouldn't give for ten yards of that!"

you're babysitting and you wonder if they'd give you the curtains as pay

you do bransles to Christmas music when you hear it in the mall.

someone mentions "The World's First Great Event", and you think of Pennsic I, not the first ice age.

the gynecologist asks "When is your period?", and you answer "Early 14th century". *

you answer your own front door with "Who goes there?"

you go to a funeral and spend your time looking at the great pavilion over the grave site and wonder where they got it

sharpening your knives, axes, swords and spears is not only an entire evening's work, but an entire evening's entertainment!

you start wearing your tankard and belt pouch around with your mundanes, because it's so darn convenient.

you don't think twice about inviting all your friends over to watch "Scourge of the Black Death" on the History Channel, and have no doubts that almost everyone will come.

you can make a chainmail hauberk by yourself, have done so, and given it away as a "perfect wedding gift".

"Two helmets, Anglo-Norman style preferred" appears on your wedding registry.

you've called your dorm ahead of time to ask if it's OK to keep swords in your room. *

you realize you've used porta-johns more often than "flushies" recently. *

a gift certificate at an upholstery store was one of your favorite birthday gifts this year. *

the worst news you've had all year is that the Tandy Leather store near you is closing!

you're disappointed that your British Literature textbook doesn't have Beowulf in parallel text.

you enter your lady's boudoir for the first time, and the first words to escape your lips are "Nice sewing machine!".

costumed people going into Rocky Horror have asked you about your "funny clothes".

you've ever been refused entrance to a store/bank/concert because of your belt knife.

[you're female and] you've walked straight into a door on a Monday morning because you just expected the coworker you're entering with to stop and open it for you.

you consider duct tape to be a "school supply", as do your children. *

your mundane friend came over because he was looking for duct tape and he was sure you'd have some lying around.

your favorite birthday present was a roll of that really shiny duct tape.

you get duct tape in your Christmas stocking.

your dog knows how to bow to royalty.

instead of one of those "cutesy" sweaters, your dog wears a chainmail hauberk.

your cat understands "Hold!"

your cat wears an elizabethan ruff, and likes it!

you give directions to the parking lot: "It's on the dexter side of the road just past the stump". (They're also in the SCA if they get there with no more questions.)

you can't cross a large dining hall at a mundane dinner without feeling you should curtsey/bow to the royal presence.

you automatically evaluate any large dining area or hall for its suitability and probable availability for an SCA event.

you unconsciously dip your head to the senior vice president of your company when you pass her in the hall.

you have to fight the reflex to curtsey/bow to the catholic priest at high mass.

you curtsey/bow as you pass the bridal couple

you curtsey/bow to the judge at a hearing

almost any reference to sheep makes you giggle. *

bad heraldry and/or costuming has ruined an otherwise decent movie for you.

a truly bad anachronism has ruined an otherwise good romance novel for you.

you're in the university's financial aid office and see a sign "LINE FOR PELL GRANTS" and think "That's a painful way to work your way through college."

you see a sign that reads "TANNING" and comment to your spouse "I wonder what kinds of skins and hides they have?" *

you see a sign that reads "FENCING" and you wonder about their price their foils and epees. *

a truck passes you on the highway labeled "MAKERS OF THE FINEST BELTS AND HOSES" and you think they're carrying garb! *

you see an ad saying "LEARN HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN BOWS" and are disappointed when you realize they're talking about tying ribbons. *

you see a sign for a "SPINNING CLASS" and wonder why they'd teach it at a sports club... *

you see a magazine ad that begins: "You wouldn't take a period remedy for your headache..." and think, "What, leeches? Herbal infusions?" before you notice the rest of the ad reads: "So don't take a headache remedy for your period". *

you see a nun in the grocery store wearing the habit for her order and you think to yourself "what nice garb she has" without thinking twice about the fact that you're not at an event.

you catch yourself thinking "'Gules, three chevrons or'. Nice tabard. Classic Anglo-Norman style, easily visible. Oh! I guess it'd better be visible, he's a road repair worker!

you hear there's a new movie out called "The War of the Roses" and are disappointed to learn it's about a messy divorce! *

you see "FIELDS OF ARMOR" listed as a program on The Discovery Channel, and are very disappointed that it's about tanks. *

a magazine article titled "FULL ARMOR" piques your interest, but when you start leafing through the magazine expecting to see pictures of helms, breastplates, etc., you're disappointed to discover that it's an article about a PC security package. *

seeing someone in full plate, a tabard, and Reeboks does not strike you as odd. *

you see a large sign saying "COMING SOON: THE VIKING YOUTH ACADEMY", only to be disappointed that it's a daycare center.

you see playground equipment (swings, seesaws, etc) and think "Siege Engines!"

you rush out to see a movie called "CELTIC PRIDE", but storm out ten minutes later when you find out it's about basketball.

a "WEBSITE DEVOTED TO ICONS" disappoints you when it's not about religious relics, but only about some silly downloadable bitmaps.

a sign on the side of the road says "MCDOT", and you see "McDot", not Montgomery County Department of Transportation. *

you don't see a field of cows, but a field of leather. *